ma'am, there's a Dachshund on your drawers

[scootersmom]

“DRESSER NO PLACE FOR SMALL BROWN DOG!”

It’s what I ended up saying, with a mouth full of toothpaste, at approximately 2am last night. You see, I was brushing my teeth (luckily with my own brush and paste, not the dog’s) when I swear to god this is what I heard:

*hop*

No, really. Call it maternal instinct, call it “she’s lived with a Dachshund too long and therefore automatically anticipates shenanigans”, but I heard *hop* and knew instantly that Something Was Up. Namely, Scooter. Who, when I poked my head out the door to check on him, was standing on top of the dresser beside my bed, happily eating the "Li’l Smokies" which I had brought up from the kitchen because sometimes I like to bring to bed some ham or bacon or diminutive sausages and feed them to him while we lie there and I give him bellyrubs. Because he is NOT SPOILED AT ALL.

Actually, I always keep a jar of treats on that dresser, because every morning when we wake up, I like to kiss him on his cute little brown head and say “Good morning Scooter!” and then give him a treat because I love him quite a lot and again, NOT SPOILED AT ALL. Which, after dozens of repeated treat dispensations, is probably how he figured out that “up there=FOOD” and decided to take the (literal) leap to get it himself, so really, I only have myself to blame. But I digress.

So - I looked through the doorway and gasped. Proceeded to yank the toothbrush from my mouth; point at the dog all “J’accuse!” (thus flinging an arc of toothpaste droplets across the bedroom and probably looking like a character in a HP movie dramatically casting an ExpelliDachsie spell); and exclaim about DOG! and DRESSER! before I could think about the fact that Scooter hates loud noises. Especially sudden ones.

He looked over at me in alarm and immediately assumed the “APPROACH ME AND I WILL PEE IN TERROR” pose, ears back, tail tucked, crouched down. Eyes as large and sorrowful as any found in a black velvet painting of a sad clown.

This was going to make it very difficult for me to retrieve him and set him back on the ground safely before he could jump. (and don’t think for a minute he’d jump the shorter distance down onto the nice soft bed instead of the faraway hard floor. I couldn’t be so lucky.)

I ended up having to sidle up to the bed, pretending the whole time that I had a treat in my hand, never looking directly at him, speaking in soothing tones about what a “good boy” he was and “look what mommy’s got for you”. Then I sat on the bed and coaxed him towards me (luckily his hunger for treats, even phantom ones, far outweighs his better judgment) until I could quickly snatch him off the dresser and safely deposit him into my lap, where he sat for about half a second before giving me an indignant growl and stalking off to burrow under the covers and ignore me completely for the rest of the night (or at least until I fell asleep).

Y’all know - there’s no one can sulk like an offended Dachshund. It was COLD in that bed. Brrrr.

Anyway, the treat jar no longer resides on top of the dresser but inside a drawer, and henceforth I’m not leaving any meat products up there while I attend to other things with the (faulty) assumption that Scooter will sit patiently and wait. *sigh* I should have known better. After all, my last Dachshund, Sparky, once figured out how to DRAG a kitchen chair out from the table far enough so he could jump up on it, and then jump from there onto the table, whereupon he ate every last ounce of toppings from a large Pepperoni Lover’s Pizza…

But Sparky is another story. And he was not spoiled either. *g*

[Dianne]

 
Yes, I can picture it now!  Not spoiled?  Sure...I believe that... 

Yep, just love their little noses and the capability they have to find food.  I have caught mine on the back of the couch reaching across to a coffee table like a short-legged, long bodied cat!  Patches has learned to open the lower kitchen cupboards so now ours have baby latches!

Funny story...I can picture the sulking dachshund!

[janeygirl]

Having lived with Albert the Wonderpug for six years before adopting wienerdog Punkin, I was not accustomed to a dog who could figure out how to open cupboard doors to get at perfectly good treats that I had thoughtlessly thrown into the trash.

When I was on a trip recently, Punkin stayed with my brother and his family (which includes a boston terror). My brother was working in his basement and heard a curious noise he'd never heard before. When he went upstairs, Punkin was standing in the middle of his dining room table, finishing up a half-stick of butter.

[Roberta]

  why is owning a dachound means having extrordinary hearing and eyes in the back of your head, and the other look they can give you instead of the I'm going to pee is "who me" when the head is still tangled round the shopping bag.
OLiver is our goat and pasta night is HIS night, we actually pull the cahirs about 3 feet form the table if we leave it just in case and yes they are not spoilt.
Roberta
ps Emma was in the into shopping she managed to eat half a pint of sour cram, we had to induce vomiting as she had pancreatisis.

[janeygirl]

Oh, Roberta - the head tangled around the shopping bag!   

I got home from work one day and the two dogs, as usual, were right inside the door to greet me. Except Punkin had her head through the plastic grocery bag handles and the bag flowed down her back like Superman's cape. My first thought was "This can't be a good sign" even though her little tail was wagging and she was giving me The Look like "Everything fine, nothing going on here."

[Delia and girls]

HAHAHA!! Now there's a visual! You are a very good writer!

Is Scooter getting any better at his submissive pp'ing? I know from your post that he's still doing it, but is he getting better?

[scootersmom]

the other look they can give you instead of the I'm going to pee is "who me" when the head is still tangled round the shopping bag.

Punkin was standing in the middle of his dining room table, finishing up a half-stick of butter.

*cracks up*

And she likely gave the "who me" look when she was questioned about it, didn't she?

[janeygirl]

*cracks up*

And she likely gave the "who me" look when she was questioned about it, didn't she?

Oh, absolutely. He said she looked at him like "What? Is there problem with wienerdog on table?"

Meanwhile, Moses, the boston terror, was on the floor quaking like "Oh, dear. Very bad manners."

[scootersmom]

Delia: Yes, he's actually a LOT better.  He'll still do it, but only very occasionally, when he's in one of his moods.  Or when I'm brushing his teeth.  But one can hardly blame him - it's a very terrifying process for a small innocent brown dog to endure.   *g*

Janeygirl: Tell Punkin that Scooter says there is NO PROBLEM WITH WIENERDOG ON TABLE.  Also, PLEASE SEND BUTTER.  SOUNDS YUMMY.

[Kelly]

Scooter you be careful "Little Buddy"!We don't want to see you get hurt.

[Barb]

Scooter you are one character and Brandy says with a turn of her head....No doggies on the table.......WHY ?????

Barb here - we had company for steaks a couple years ago.  Mother in Law was last at the table and got up to get something from the kitchen......no chair pushed in....and came back to find Brandy standing on the table knawing on her steak bone.......  What a mooch she is   

Great story - I agree - you should collect all stories and publish !!!!

[scootersmom]

What a mooch she is

And a very clever and resourceful one at that, Barb!

[Valerie]

That is one of the funniest stories I have ever read.  I could relate all too well! 

[Rich]

Can a tiny 9 pound picture of innocence do "wiener dog on table"?  You bet! We hadn't had Sophie even a month before a turkey sandwich vanished due to leaving a chair pulled out slightly from the table. She carried it right over nearby her dish and was right proud of herself. "I mighty hunter! Catch wild sandwich!"

Such antics are beneath Stormy - he depends on his vocal powers of persuasion as he will detect food out of his reach and lie just beneath it moaning as if he were in mortal agony until it is either shared with him, consumed by human or shut up in the fridge.

[Roberta]

Rich Stromy sounds like Amy, one of her nick names is madam Mooooo as she makes a mooing noise to get what she wants.
can't say whats the worst the gymnastics or the maoning.
Roberta

[scootersmom]

Rich - I love the fact Sophie brought it back to her dish.  "THIS WHERE I EAT"  Kudos to her for catching wild sandwich!

And poor Stormy, always in mortal agony...  *g*