It's been a rough week. Hard to believe that tomorrow marks one week. I still find it hard to breathe most of the time. Tears come when I don't expect them... and I just can't seem to control it. Toby-Man was always under my feet in the kitchen, or by the pool... actually pretty much everywhere. My sweet little shadow. I miss him with ever fiber of my being.
We have absolutely no way of knowing what happened during the day last thursday. When I got home from work he was not himself. He was walking kind of slowly and didn't want his supper. That in itself told me that something was wrong. After they eat they all go outside to do there business.... Toby went out but didn't go far into the yard and turned around and came back in. Baby Bea followed him in through the doggy door and nudged his backside with her nose. He screamed in pain and of course I immediately picked him up and put him on the big bed. He was shaking a bit and then he vomitted. We decided to take him to the emergency vet because I didn't want to wait until morning if he was uncomfortable. I honestly thought at this point that his Anal glands were full again and hurting him. Things went rapidly downhill from there. I had him wrapped in his Green Acres Blankie and he kept squirming in my arms and crying in pain. He was hyperventilating and vomited again. When we got to the clinic we had to wait for the doctor for a few minutes. I decided to sit on the floor with him because he could not get comfortable in my arms. It was at the point that I put him onto his blankie on the floor that I realized that he could not walk at all. He was trying, bless his heart but clearly he was in horrible pain and fear. They immediately took him from me (which sort of pissed me off because Dr. M. always lets me stay with him but they don't at the clinic). The vet that was on call called the surgeon and they called Dr. M. as well . Evidently at least two of Toby's discs were ruptured possibly more. Because of his previous heartworm and his heartworm treatment he is simply not a good candidate for surgery. His lungs and his heart were damaged significantly and they functioned at about 3/4 normal capacity. Statistically he most likely would have passed away during the surgery. The chances of a successful outcome were less that 10% and even if he were to make it the chance of recurrance was huge. Naturally we thought that it was worth the risk at first and were ready to go with the surgery regardless of the risk. Dr. M. then talked to me and made me realize that I had to reconsider and do what was best for Toby-Man and not for me. They then brought him to me and I guess that is when I realized that we had to help him. He had been given pain meds at this point but I could see that he was still hurting and frightened and looking for me to fix it for him.
I held my sweet boy in my arms while he made his final journey. It was peaceful and I pray, it was right. I don't know that there will ever be a day where I won't wonder. Right now I just know that I miss him with all my heart. He took a part of it with him when he left.
I wanted to thank everyone again for the posts and the cards and the kindness you have all shown. I read them often and it reminds me that I am not alone in this and that our little man touched an awful lot of hearts.
I with ya. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Simon. I loved that dog like nobodies business.
I got a little lucky, Simon was going down hill due to advanced cancer. My Vet and I don't believe in radiation or chemo for dogs. Having witnessed what it does to people I don't think I could do that to a dog. About 2 weeks before I had to put him down he jumped up on my lap and we had a little talk. People say dogs can't talk, I say the dogs are doing a great job of keeping it a secret. We said our good byes that night. I did the best I could for him, but I always wonder....
And Lucy was caged recovering from Hiatal hernia surgery. She was about 25 days into 45 days of cage time. Everytime I had to take her out to tee tee she looked all over the place for him. I'm certain she knew he was sick. After looking for him for 2 days and he's not home she went into mourning. She was in bad shape.
Last winter was really bad for me and the dogs.
Not much else to say about it. If I'm right though our paths with cross again.
Gosh, there are no answers. Kinda like our Misty Girl, who was fine in the morning, ate well, played, etc., and by afternoon was having that seizure and by evening she was gone. It didn't make any sense at all. The only thing left to do was cry. So I really do understand about Toby. Its so heartbreaking. Thank goodness we have this board full of understanding people who can help during these rough times.
I don't know what to say, except that my heart breaks for you and your family. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. :comfort:
I feel your pain, its the suddeness the finality. Angus was our Toby, he was about to have a MRI to see if it was a tumour behind the eye, he was his normal self then out of the blue he had a grand mal and all he could do was stare, and Ray our vet cried to. I still remember that night like yesterday, and I always will, Angus I talk to daily.
Its hard but you did the right thing for him, just talk to Toby and let him know you are all right, he was a lucky little man that some people LOVED him.
BIg hugs and thoughts
Roberta
ps talk about it, it helps
Terri, I walked down the same path that you are currently on in October with Looie. To this day, I still miss him with all my heart and never dreamed it would turn out as it did. There will always be a place in your heart for Toby. I, too, second guessed myself for days after....did I make the right decision.....but I know in my heart that it was the right decision to help him to the Bridge. Your brain will do the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" and then the tears fall but know that in order to ease their pain, it was the right decision as hard as it is to make that decision. I still talk to him and I have pictures all over the house and when I'm feeling down, I look at one picture in particular and it's as if he is saying with the look, I'm okay, I know that you loved me with all your heart and soul. And, yes, the tears would come at the drop of a hat and to this day, they still do at times. Just know, that with time the pain will ease. Everyone here on the board is a wonderful group of people and that helped me tremendously. We're here for you. Hugs, Dee
Terri, You did the right thing. Do not second guess, the pain would have continued, increasing until unbearable.
Ken delayed letting Cocoa, his soul-mate, go and I know he felt guilty about waiting as long as he did. The one thing that consoled him was that he knew she was not in pain (sedated); but, he had hope she would quit bleeding internally. She lingered for 2 days and eventually bled out from an inoperable hemangionama (sp?). She didn't suffer, she didn't even know where she was. It's been a year and he still gets torn up about it. It's hard to lose your best friend.
Grieve and remember the good times. Feel glad that you had that time. Know you did your best. All creatures have their time.
God bless,
Dianne
Please do not second guess yourself over & over you were there even with pain meds on board you said he was still in pain I have had one herniated disk & 2 bulging disks believe me the pain is unbearable. If Toby had 2-3 disks ruptured I really know he was in terrible pain you did the right thing for him.Usually once you have one place messed up in your back they can fix it but when you have multiple disks in the mix very hard to fix then other disks usually fail in the long run. You really did what was best for Toby not yourself he knew you would do the right thing by him. It is just so very,very hard to let them go Hugs to you for being strong for him.
Papbouv
I tear up as I read this and know that your Toby-man touched a place in my heart. Do not ever doubt you did the very best thing for him. Toby knew you would do the right thing for him and your choice was 100% for him. Think of that sweet boy running free, in no pain, and breathing with ease.......he will be watching for you at the Bridge when it is your time, I truly believe that.
He will always hold a special piece of your heart........
Terri, please do not second guess yourself....you absolutely did the right thing....you will be together again....... :angel4:
:comfort: My heart feels heavy reading your post. :heart: He will always be with you... :angel4:
Toby-man is running thru the daisys chasing butterfly's and waiting for you on the other side of the bridge! :pray: :thumb:
no pain, no being scared,,, just sunshine!!! and lots of friends!!! :grin: :wink:
Hang in there girl and remember all the good times... :grin: :grin: :thumb:
When Sam went to the bridge last year it was expected, but not what happened to Fluffy Angel kitty a few years before. I had postponed going into the house to clean snow off the walk, so when I did go inside I found her having a full blown seizure in the basement. Going into panic mode I called the Emergency vet who kept asking stupid questions so I hung up. Wrapping her up n her blanket I rushed her to the local vet(not mine) who took her in back and wouldn't let me follow.
When I was allowed to see her she was still seizing and they were pumping her with meds. The one tech said she was getting better, but I knew the seizures were getting worse so I finally told them to stop, which they didn't like - no more money for them. Fluffy went quietly to the bridge, but Mimi kitty missed her so much that we got another kitty for her. Now with Cleo's seizures I know how to handle them at the onset and we are doing fine, knock wood.
Terri~ I too, know exactly what you are going through.... The late night trip to the vet with my baby boy, only to have to let him go all because of his back issues... It has been almost 2 years for me, and it isn't any easier.. Toby-Man definately touched my heart... I don't know what else to say, my heart is breaking for you... What seemed to bother me more than anything when I lost my Boo, was that Mollee was just little, and she knew, she was sooo quiet for weeks after we lost him... Then our little "Princess" came to her forever home, and brought the life back into my Mollee... If you need anything, let me know... Give the babies a love for me... *hugs* :comfort:
Terri,
I have tried unsuccessfully to send you some comfort during this time..... I'm sorry that I'm at such a a loss for words.
Please go back and re-read Toby-man's Dog of the Day post in 2006. Your answer to the question "Story about me that my Hoomans would like to share" says it all in my book.
Lots of hugs and rays from me & my kids!
Dawn, Franky & Delilah
I to Terri have tried to write but what to say..........I went to where Dawn said April 26th 2006 and it says it all.