Around Thanksgiving I joined the group and had enjoyed the last month or so getting to know your furbabies and sharing Sadie with you all a little bit. Learning how wacky she is and how "NORMAL" that is for doxies.. I had even told about having a disabled child and Sadie being very protective of her around my moms 3 doxies.
December 29th I lost my little girl to a very horrible and hard fought battle that was unexpected and quick. I have had my Amanda for 12 years and she was the light of my life. We have had to go through the most horrific hospital stays, watching the doctors resussitate her 2 different times, and to finally let her go. In a 2 day period. I had to come home make arrangements for a funeral, viewing, pick a casket, pick out clothes, buy her plot, and every other thing that a mother does not ever want to have to do for a child. My life has been turned completely upside down and my heart is broken. The only thing that I have had from the funeral were the plants that were given to her and I brought them home to keep them.
My latest problem came on Friday around noon. I let Sadie stay out of her pen, since we had been doing so well before all hell broke loose, and I thought that we could pick up where I we had left off. I came home to find 2 of the plants destroyed. Shook completely into a million pieces and dirt scattered all over my living room. She didn't eat any of it. Just had one heck of a time playing in them. I was furious. With her and with myself. How could she? If she only knew what these plants meant to me. I couldn't even look at her. I put her in her pen and made her stay there the rest of the day. I know it was my fault too for putting them on the floor in front of the windows for light to get to them... not thinking of course that she would even think to bother them. I mean they aren't toys.
I know she didn't realize their significance to me. And I know she had no idea that I would be so upset. But I have had the hardest time trying not to stay upset with her. I love Sadie.. but my baby... My Amanda is gone forever. I dont want to stay mad at her, and I want her to be a comfort to me and not feel ill feelings when I look at her.Will time eventually help? Feeling such a need to keep these plants seems silly I know. But I can't help how I feel about having them. I know Im irrational right now. I just dont want to be mad at her, or look at her and feel hurt.
Carrie..
Oh Carrie I am in tears reading your post. I am SO sorry. You truly have been to h*** and back. I am so sorry you have lost your beautiful little girl.
I have a feeling you are not really mad at Sadie...as you said, this is an irrational time, maybe Sadie is an easy target when you need someone to vent on (it seems we often choose those we are closest to to lash out at in bad times because they are "safe"). Maybe some resentment that she is here and Amanda is not? Of course, as you know, Sadie had no idea what the plants mean to you. I can guarantee she also does not know why you are angry with her and why she was locked up all day. I also wonder if she didn't destroy the plants as HER way of venting, I'm sure she is stressed from all of the tension and anguish you have been going through. Her world has been turned upside down as well.
Instead of turning your much understood anger toward Sadie, try and see her as a gift to help you through this hard time. Nothing can really help, time is the only thing that will dull your pain but Sadie wants to be there for you, it's in a dogs nature to love us unconditionally and be there for us no matter what. Let her do that. You need each other.
I am just babbling my thoughts here I am trying to come up with anything to help, I can only imagine the horrible pain you have to be in. I hope you have a good support system there? When you are up to it we'd love to see pictures of Amanda if you'd like to share. Please keep posting there are a lot of willing listeners here.
Carrie,
I am so very, very sorry about the loss of your Amanda. You are right-no mother should every have to face that. Even if you had been prepared, it would not have been any easier. In the last few years, I have had two families that I know quite well lose children that were Amanda's age. One was disabled. One was perfectly healthy. They have coped, but it has taken time. I am praying that you have a support system around you, to physically be there for you when you need them. We will always be here online to listen to you vent, or listen to you talk about your memories of Amanda, when you are ready to, but we aren't able to physically be there when you need a human touch.
As for Sadie and the plants, I know that must be hard. It is true that she had no idea what she was doing. She probably thought she had found a new treasure, not knowing she was taking away a part of what you had left of your treasure. Is there anything at all left that could be rooted of the plants? It's amazing what can be done with one small piece. If you aren't able to do it yourself, you may find someone who knows a good gardener who would be willing to try. You just need to keep the root moist in the meantime.
Try to let Sadie be the comfort she is meant to be. Remember how she was with Amanda and how good she was for her and with her. Also, remember that Sadie, though she is a doxie, is missing Amanda's presence, too, and knows that something is not right and has changed in her home. I think if you let her help you, and love you-because doxies are so wonderful at unconditional love-it may be healing to you both.
My prayers will be with you as you go through the next few months. I know they will be some of the most difficult times you will face, but you won't be alone. There is always someone on the other side of the computer monitor. It may take a little while to hear back from one of us, but someone will answer. Take care of yourself. Teresa
First off, I am so terribly sorry to hear about losing your daughter. I have one daughter who is four years old. Even though we face the significant challenges of her being autistic, she is my light. She is my life. I couldn't even imagine going through what you went through. My mind doesn't even allow me to think those kinds of thoughts.
As far as Sadie, I don't think she was trashing the plants to have fun. I think she was acting out her grief towards losing Amanda. Dogs are pack animals. When their pack is disrupted, or when they feel they have been left by their pack, their behavior becomes irrational and often destructive. Clearly, Sadie is confused. I imagine there are still smells of Amanda in the house that only Sadie's dog nose could detect, but she cannot find Amanda. Please don't be mad at Sadie, she was expressing her grief in her own manner.
While the plants were part of the funeral and no doubt have great symbolism for you, I would rather focus my thoughts energies on the life that Amanda lived, that you had 12 years of blessings. I see people all the time who set up roadside memorials for loved ones who were killed in automobile accidents. I can't understand that and would never want my loved ones to do that for me if, god forbid, I ever died in that manner. I would much rather be remembered for how I lived than the spot where I died.
Plants are renewable, flesh and blood (and fur, for that matter) unfortunately are not. While you have undoubtedly suffered a traumatic and virtually inconceivable loss, please don't compound the situation further by alienating Sadie...she was only doing what came naturally to her. I'm sure she needs you at this time as well. Your own words said how Sadie would protect Amanda...use those memories as a source of comfort and fondness.
Oh my God, Carrie, I am so sorry about the loss of Amanda. Do not be mad at Sadie. She does not understand what the plants meant to you. She is reacting to your pain and stress. Please don't punish her. Rather, take her in your arms and love her, cry, and share your grief with her. Sadie feels disconnected with you, she is frustrated and is taking it out on the plants. As far as the plants are concerned.......they are only plants. I know they are the plants bought with Amanda in mind, but its OK, they can be trimmed back and they will grow back. You need Sadie, and she needs you now more than ever. Please don't shut her out.
Are you alone, did you have to go through all the arrangements for Amanda's funeral by yourself? If so, I cannot imagine a worse thing to have to handle by yourself. Like DD said, Sadie does not understand your anger towards her and why she was in her kennel all day. Please hold her and love her, she will help you through this. And so will we. This is the place to vent. People do care about what you are going through.
I very sorry for your loss of s daughter,I do know a little how you feel lost my daughter to SID's she was just 2 months old so I can imagine how you are feeling getting to have your daughter for 12 years. Do you think your Doxie also misses Amanda she somehow connected her too the plants.Your Doxie Schatzie knows you have been and are very sad and upset maybe she was trying to also get her grief out by taking it out on the plants. You must try to forgive her she did not know the plants were special to you I'm sure Amanda would want you to so you can be comforted by Schazie who I'm sure has no idea why you are upset with her all she knows is you came home & locked her up and are mad at her.Not unless you caught her in the act she has no idea what she has done wrong.Please try to forgive her if you can not maybe you should turn her over to a rescue so she can have the love she also needs personally I think you both need to love each other to help heal some, know their is a huge hole in your heart now hopefully with time it will get a little better.
Papbouv
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your little girl. I know she was the light of your life. The best advise I can give is to remember all the good times. The happy times. That is the way she would want to be remembered. Sadie does feel the loss also. Even though she is "just a dog" and we, here, know that is a misnomer, she too feel the loss. Just remember the good times and all the love you had together, and know your little girl is in a better place. Lots of love coming your way.
Darcel
Oh, Carrie, I read your post and closed my eyes right here at the keyboard and said a prayer for your family and your daughter. I am so very sorry. Years ago, our family came too close to losing my son. We went through those hellish hospital visits and the overwhelming meetings with doctors who could only shrug and say "So, we'll wait and see what happens". We were one of the lucky ones and my son pulled through. Your pain is understandable and I wish I could do something to take it away. We all do. I think the words you've been reading here are correct - your doxie is confused, as well, and grieving, but cannot express it in any other way. Shaking the plants was not intentional. Doxies do not mean to hurt the pack they love so dearly. I remember being at the hospital years ago and literally tearing my hair out. It seemed to relieve the emotional pain I was expereincing. Irrational perhaps, but who can comprehend that kind of despair? I think perhaps your dog was doing the same thing. Be kind to yourself, embrace your doxie and know that we care.
Carrie, I have opened this post all morning and have been trying to think of something I could say to comfort you. I am at a loss for words. All I can say is that I can not even begin to fathom the pain and heartache you and family must be going through at this time. I am so very deeply sorry for your loss of your little girl. It is tragic and my heart goes out to you and your family. No parent should ever have to go through this. I have said prayers for you all morning and will continue to do so for days to come. Hold Sadie close as Sadie also feels your pain and I am sure she knows something is terribly wrong. Please comfort and love each other, for I have found when things have gone terribly wrong, my doxies are a great comfort and provide me with everlasting unconditional love and understanding. Please know we are all here for you and let us know if there is anything we can possibly do; we truly do care.
Thank you all for the thoughts prayers and insight. I do have my family for support so I am not "alone" so to speak. I stayed out at my parents home for a couple of weeks just because I couldn't come home to an empty home. My son just turned 18 and he is away at school for his last semester of high school and wont be home for good until May. So right now its just me and the doggies staying at home. I am coping, although I can't go into her room yet and start the process of putting things away.. But I am at least sleeping here and trying to get back to as normal of a life as I can. Working has helped to keep me busy too. Today is 1 month since she died and it has been a hard day so far.
I just want to thank you all for giving me some valuable adivice. It never dawned on me that she could be having some issues with Amanda being gone too. Since shes a terror most of the time I just chalked it up to Day 233 of Sadie Terror. But I will be more open about that now and also try not be a bit more understanding about her mischief. Kramer has been wonderful and Sadie has kept me on my toes. I do love Sadie and am not in the least bit interested in giving her to someone else to take care of. I want her no matter how naughty she is. I just wanted my feelings to not be so hurt about it all. And it will get there. Shes getting her treats, and running wild like always when I am home.
I have put up baby gates around the plants left in the floor at the windows.. and I have transplanted what I could save of the 2 that she demolished and am going to try to root one of them in water. And see if I can save them. If not, then I will just have to figure out other ways to cherish and keep memories of my daughter alive.
Thank you for all the compassion and understanding. And I intend to be around for a long time to come.. I just may be quiet at times and talk your ears off at other times. But I will keep on keeping on. God made me a strong person when he gave me Amanda.. Im not gonna let this doggie get the best of me.....
You will know when its the right time to start putting things away in Amanda's room. There is no rush and don't let anyone make you feel you need to "get on with it." This kind of loss and grief takes a lot of time to work through. Give yourself time. Our pets occupy a different area of our hearts but the loss of one is similar to losing a child. When my horse Domingo died suddenly 5 years ago, my life and my whole world just stopped. I was so numb. I knew the only thing that would help was the passing of time, so I just went through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other, although I no longer saw any purpose in any of it. But thanks to the understanding of friends who would let me talk and listen to me for hours, I didn't feel so alone and eventually I started healing. It was a very slow process, I can still remember the first time I laughed after the death of Domingo, it was weeks later, but when that happened I felt a little bit of life go back into me. I stayed home from work for a week. I had the opportunity to go to our cabin, only a 45 minute drive away, where I could have benefited from the comfort of the cabin, the lake and my folks, but I would not leave the house. Leaving meant I would have to come back, and Domingo still wouldn't be there. So I just stayed and faced it cold turkey, I wanted that pain over with as soon as possible. It took forever, I was a mess that first year, but I slowly got better. You will, too, because you are strong. God gives his special children to strong people because He knows they are up for the job. Going back to work was very hard for me because I didn't see the point of it or life in general, but going to work and keeping to my routine ended up being the best thing I could have done for myself. It threw me back into life. I always cried all the way home after holding it in all day, but my friends consoled and listened at the end of the day when I was exhausted. I didn't share my grief at work, most of those people didn't understand, but the people on this message board were there for me, and really helped me through it all. Anyway, I am rambling, but just know that everyone here cares and we are good listeners. Pour it out here any time you need to.
Carrie - my heart is breaking for you. I can't even imagine what you are feeling. We are here for you - please remember that. You just have to take each day at a time. Your fur babies will give you comfort - they are missing Amanda too. When the time is right you will be able to go into her room and do what needs to be done. But don't push yourself - you will know when you feel strong enough.
Sending blessings to your sweet angel Amanda and sending rays and prayers and hugs to you to find strength.
Thank you all..
So sorry for your lose. Here are hugs for you :comfort: Could you try joining a bereavement group, for parents that have lost children? It would do you a lot of good. Sadie is confused, at what happened, she senses your pain/sadness/depression and she doesn't know what is going on. If you would just hold and hug her, it would make her feel better and it would help you. I'm sure your daughter loved this little dog-try to remember tha, t and she misses your daughter as much as you do.