Wrote this today and sent it out to my family GP, who reported that my cholesteral was creeping up. Thought you all might enjoy a laugh, too. (the names have been changed to protect the innocent.)
Dear Drs. Smith and Jones:
I read with interest your worksheet on “Foods to Avoid” and “Foods to Use” that your staff kindly sent to help me lower my cholesterol. I understand this is also referred to a diet. And that’s a four-letter word; shame on you. I have a few comments and questions:
First of all I have to tell you that I am half Polish. Without a weekly infusion of pierogi, kielbasa and sour cream, my DNA will break down. I put gypsy curse on person who wrote list.
I am also half Irish, and if I tell me sainted grandmother that I am not allowed to drink Guinness or eat corned beef and hash, she will take her shillelagh and haul me into St. Aloysius’ on my knees to pray for my sanity.
How can it be okay to eat olive oil but not eat olives? This must be a typo.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again: Life without butter would be a mistake.
Avoid marbled beef. Ha ha.
If I do not drink 27 cups of coffee with half and half and two teaspoons of sugar every day I will fall asleep at my desk and get fired.
“Dried peas or beans may be used as a bread substitute.” Have you tried making a grilled cheese sandwich with hot pepper, pork roll and egg on dried peas?
“Buy a good low fat cookbook.” So, I can eat that because it’s low-fat?
The nice people at the Entenmanns’s Bakery are counting on me to keep their jobs.
The worksheet keeps referring to fried foods. Is there another kind?
Eating ice cream keeps the evil aliens from landing in my backyard. It must be true because I eat ice cream all the time and I have never seen an alien. In the interest of global safety, I must continue to eat ice cream.
Grandma Annie’s Kettle Cooked Potato Chips are non-negotiable.
Also, if you see a doughnut and you do not eat it, it hurts its feelings.
Dark Chocolate Raisinettes are fruit.
Melba toast is the spawn of the devil. It says so right in the Old Testament.
The slice of lime in a Gin and Tonic counts as a citrus serving, right?
“Avoid coconuts.” Does this mean I cannot wear my Polynesian Halloween costume this year?
“Limit eggs to 4 a week, including those used in cooking” That is just mean. I think you might be a little nicer to a patient whom you have been treating for over 34 years.
I am trying, really, but it seems that the only things I can safely eat are steamed jellyfish on Communion wafers with mustard.
:2funny: I agree completely!!! I have to watch my blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, and my weight! I've eaten so many salads, I'm starting to grow long hears and a cotton-tail, which is not good being around Ozzy!!!!
That is a riot and exactly how most of us feel when looking at those stupid diet sheets!!! I love the rationalization over ice cream, and your reason for drinking so much coffee-with half and half and sugar!
I read this to my husband this morning. Laughed even harder!! I think I need to print it out and take it my own doctor when I go next. She would love this and probably wishes she had patients with your sense of humor who would actually write a commentary on the diet she gives them.
That is great, Leslie!!! I guess I am lucky... I eat what I want, and have had no problem with cholestral, blood sugar, or blood pressure... The weight is another issue... The weight must be attached to me, it won't leave my side!!! Or my stomach, or my legs, or my butt.... lol The blood sugar does scare me however, I get tested every couple years, cuz my grandmother had Diabetes, which eventually lead to her death in '94 at the young age of 65... So, it does scare me alot... But, so far, so good... Doc says I'm healthy as a horse (and as big as one too... lol) :2funny: But, it is hard to lose that extra baggage, when you can't find a "diet" that works... The only one I found to work is the "see food" diet... I see food, I eat it... That's my favorite diet of course... I understand where your coming from about your grandmother... That was great!!! lol I also am half Irish, and on top of that I am half Spanish... No Fajitas??? No Enchiladas??? No Tacos??? You've got to be kidding me... I don't think I could go a day without my caffine either... lol And, the Guinness, well, I've never really tasted that, but I do love my wine and Tequlia... Ecspecially the Sangria... So, I guess I love my Spanish heritage.... That is a great letter... Have you heard back on it??? I bet it will be a great reply... lol Can't wait to hear more.... *hugs*