I've been up for 72 hours seeing Heidi Claire trying to let go, but she keeps hangin on, like she's afraid to leave me. I'm so upset I can't seem to figure out what to do. She's 19 1/2, blind, deaf and hasn't been in any pain at all until three nights ago, she passed blood, she won't eat, drink and she can't walk. All she wants to do is lay close to me. This is killing me. Someone, please offer some advice, what do I do to help her. I can't put her down, I just can't do it.
My heart hurts for you...... The ultimate gift you can give her is to help her find peace. I dread the day that I will have to make this decision - but they rely on us to help if we have to. My thoughts and prayers are with you. She has lived a wonderful long life with you and she will watch over you when she goes to the Bridge. Ask your vet to help her let go easily. Hugs to you.
I'm with Barb - as much as it hurts, it may be time to give her that most difficult gift of all - the gift of rest. She is extremely long-lived at 19 1/2, and since she now is having health related issues, it would be cruel to make her stay for your sake. I have had two put to sleep, one went on her own, one was sent away due to issues with my husband (she hated most men - my dad and Delia's Ron were two exceptions!) and then put to sleep when Robyn discovered she had a brain tumor, and one drowned in my hot tub. (Always keep those things covered if you aren't supervising! :crybaby2: ) We just had to send Brenda's 17 year-old Siamese cat to the Bridge last Thursday - kidney failure and her prognosis was not encouraging at all. Many of us know how you are feeling and we're here if you need encouragement or sympathy to get through this. I'm so sorry you are faced with this problem. :pray: :comfort:
How terribly hard this is for you...but remember that your baby is counting on you. Just as she has all of her life. Call your vet and love her up to the end. She will always be right there in your heart and she will be waiting for you at the bridge. God Bless you.....
:pray:
Thank you both for your prompt replies; I have no one to talk (that truly understands the depth of my love for her). The fact she has hung on for 19 1/2 years is amazing enough in itself. I was diagnosed with Lupus about seven years ago and ever since then, it seems she has clung to me even more so. As if she was hanging around to make sure I'd be okay. My daughter left for college (now 24) and my son is 19 (and opted to stay in Colorado with his Dad). I never really experienced the 'empty nest syndrome until now -- truly Heidi Claire was a Godsend to my life, just as my 15 year marriage was ending, she came into my life after being thrown from a vehicle in Vail Colorado. It took less than 30 seconds to know we were destined to be best friends. It truly is a fact -- the unconditional love they give asking for nothing in return but to be fed, played with, taken care of -- and now all these years of being there for eachother, I always felt in my heart and have prayed so much that she would pass in her sleep, with no pain. I have prepared myself for that moment -- never believing I would be faced seeing her like this now. I can't stop crying. I've made a little casket for her and produced a video (that's my job; I am self employed and produce music videos; how ironic that most of my clientele is related to funerals and memorial services. I had been working on Claire's for months now, knowing I wouldn't have the strength to do it when the time came to say goodbye.
I keep letting her know I'm here; her eyes are collapsing, I can see her tailbone and every once in a while she makes a soft whimper and I go to her as I know the only sense remaining in her is smell; and so I put on the perfume I always wear; and I rest her head on my lap and in her ear I whisper that 'it's okay, I love you Claire, I'll be okay and we'll see each other again, I promise'.
The music video I produced in honor of her is to the song, Goodbye My Friend.
I understand your suggestion(s) in having her put to sleep by the vet, yet we just moved to this OKC area a few months ago and I barely no anyone around here. And I don't want her cremated and I want to bury her at my parents -- they live on three acres in the country in Texas.
I've been unintelligently asking what seems to be stupid questions like if I put her in the casket I made and drove the 10 hours to Texas, would there be a horrible smell, and if so, how do I deal with it? My parents live on property with a lot of wild life -- how far down to I dig? God, I'm crying so hard right now, I can barely see the screen. Forgive what I'm sure appears as irrational drama; she was completely FINE a few days ago...she loved her baths and the last one I gave her, she even 'romped about' as if to say, "thanks, Mommy -- that felt so good" I always woke in the morning to her little head resting on my shoulder and when I opened my eyes, she would be just looking at me, I know being respectful in waiting for me to wakeup.
If I had any complaints about her (and I'm feeling overwhelmingly guilty right now for having felt so frustrated) but the last couple of months she had this thing about going into corners and tight spaces as if to be in some sort of self-inflicted 'time-out' but then I looked at it as our little game of hide and seek because she's so tiny and just as soon as I would find her, she'd go seeking another new place to hide. She especially loved getting my attention by getting caught up in cords like I've never seen before --
I know everything is for a reason -- like my marriage that led to divorce but being blessed with two amazing children, like having moved nearly 19 times in the last 25 years but experiencing the most amazing journeys and meeting so many wonderful people -- like losing my Grandma last month and knowing and preparing (somewhat like as with Heidi -- her end was near; she was 92 and had Alzheimer's for the last 12 years) but when I got the call, it still hurt just as much as if all of what I just shared never was. I had come down with a cold and the very next day was so ill I knew I wouldn't be able to make the funeral. All I could muster up the strength to do was to prepare a presentation for her, and send it fed ex to be seen at the memorial service the next morning. With no conceit whatsoever, it was simple fact that out of 19 grandchildren, I was her favorite I suppose because I always opted to stay with her during the summers, rather than going back home like my siblings to spend the summer with friends. I share this because as I started saying that I know everything is for a reason -- me becoming so ill and not being able to be there to say goodbye -- however painful, I accepted that had I been able to be there, the emotional toll it would have taken on me would have been too great to bear. And so, with Claire -- I AM here...I don't want to let her down. I wish God would end her pain (if in fact that's what it is...) and just take her gently, let me walk back into the next room and as I've looked thousands of times to see if her blanket was moving knowing she was still breathing, I'm ready now to see it still.
Is it so selfish to want her ending to be shared with me alone? How can I take the last 19 years with her and pass them off to a needle or however it is they do it -- those people who I know care, but it is their job to care, they get paid for it. I understand that. Call me simple minded but after having gone through these last horrible 72 hours of her never before witnessed behavior(s), her quiet resolution makes me feel justified in spending what I now know is her final moments.
I've made her as comfortable as possible, put all her precious things around her and have been playing soft music for her, whether she hears it or not and when I do hear a very soft whimper, I immediately go to her, she smells my perfume and then gently lays her head back down.
I'm sorry for rambling on, but there is one last thing I would like to share with you. Is it just merely coincidence or a comfort that's being sent to me -- when I return to my computer (I have a screen saver with about 25-30 photos that randomly change) the one photo that is ALWAYS showing when I sit down, is this one of an angel, that gently fades in and out and she's holding what appears to be a 'crystal ball' of sorts...and then she goes away...
I'm taking deep breathes now...having gone through at least four boxes of Kleenex now, and my eyes looking as if I've been in the ring with the heavy weight boxer of the world, I feel calmer...
Yes, I realize the pain will go on...(I'm somewhat chuckling to myself remembering what my son said not too long ago..."Mom, I don't want to be around you when Claire dies -- they will have to put you in a straight jacket...")
Maybe laughter and memories will get me through. Heidi Claire gave me more than everyone in my life combined. And she has taught me the meanings of patience, tolerance, understanding, compassion, and an undying love that no doubt, those of us who 'get it' care enough to reach out and say, "It WILL BE OKAY"
My utmost gratitude for this site; I have to admit when I signed up I never even visited it until now, Claire became almost like watching after an infant and my business and looking for a PT job to supplement my income seemed to run my life.
I suppose the only truly sad part in all of this (as I've had/cared for and loved) through the years with two kids, what could have collectively been classified as a zoo of various creatures. I fear my heart can no longer be given to any more creatures -- Claire has taken the last bit -- and out of all of them, she is certainly the most deserving.
If you'd like, once we get through whatever the good Lord has in store for us, what I imagine will be within the next 48 hours -- I can post an update and let you know the end of this journey that I wouldn't have traded for ANYTHING.,
God Bless ALL OF YOU for taking the time --
And if you'd like to see my farewell video to Claire, once I upload it to my site, I can give you the URL..
Please keep HER in your prayers,'
Robyn
:pray: :heart: :pray: :comfort:
In some ways this sounds so much like when I lost my Twinkie Angel!!!
But in addition to what Heidi has been going through, my Twinkie was basically not even conscious part of the time and when she was, she was making a motion where she was what I called torquing her neck. She made no sounds while doing it, but I knew she had a problem with her neck so it was clearly causing her pain. I hurt just seeing her do that!! She was also a stoic little doxie, who seldom fussed or whined. She was more likely to get her revenge by laying passively while you, the vet, or whoever did something nasty to her....and her revenge was giving ya that tortured beagle eye look!!
Am also tempted to say that the screen saver might be a way of telling you it really is time? That just reminds me of the last time I was at my sisters and saw her Zeke, before he went. We were using my digital camera. I had a bunch of spare batteries, and we kept getting this battery is dead or dying indications. got it even when we put in 2 more sets of brand new batteries. I was able to take about 4-5 pictures each time before they stopped working. Zeke died in his sleep I think the next day!! Eerily, I checked my camera right after that and the batteries were fine, there was no lack of battery power at al!!!
I wish i could say something that would make this easy for you, but do not have any magic words!! If she is not eating or drinking at all, that does sound like she is indicating it is time for her.
Auntydoxzz
Your old girl has lived a long, happy and well-loved life. Don't become obsessed with how she will pass, because that's only a very, very, very short part of their life. Rather, it is time to celebrate her life and allow her soul to be freed from a body which time has taken it's inexorable toll. Sending rays and prayers your way.
I just put my 15 & 1/2 year old Papillon to sleep I held her while they did it she went fast ant was at peace.So far I have put to sleep 3 cats,Dusty my old mutt cancer, Chomps AM Staffordshire terrier 4 + Hip displasia, CJ Bouvier Des Flanders old age bad heart got down could not get up, Jake Bouvier Des Flanders cancer, Gizmo Papillon old age would not eat. I stayed with all of them held them & petted them till they were gone.You have to be strong and help them to the Bridge so you can meet again one day,when you are strong for them they can again run and play be free of pain.
If it is still on the forum I wrote a piece from what a little boy said when they had to put his dog to sleep it explains allot from a child's point of view.
She has always been their for you now be there for her it is hard but she is depending on you to take care of her it is the hardest part of pet ownership.
There should be no smell on a 10 hour ride to Texas if concerned you can put the casket in a bigger box with dry ice.
Papbouv
I'm so sorry for you and your baby! It is really painful to lose them. Just stay with her and comfort her as much as you can. :comfort: I'm so sorry you are having to go through this alone. I can't even imagine how hard that would be! Just know we are here for you. I wish there was more i could do for you and your baby. You are in my prayers tonight. :pray:
What a lovely lady your Heidi Claire is. She has given you so much joy. Please help her to have peace. Please......let her go in peace. It's time. Give her a last gift of your ultimate love. Praying for you, my friend and for Heidi Claire.
I'm so sorry you are going thru this, it sounds like she has become your whole life. Here are prayers for her :pray: You might want to whisper in her ear that if she needs to go on to her next life, it is ok. Tell her mommy will be fine. Take Care. :comfort:
:comfort: Robyn~ You and Heidi Claire will both be in my prayers tonight as well.... :pray: I lost my little man in August at age, well it was 2 weeks before his 7th Birthday.... Due to some complications with IVDD.... My heart goes out to you.... I had to make the choice one night(late) to let him go peacefully.... He had started to get some feeling back from being paralyzed and I guess, couldn't cope with the tingling, so he chewed a hole clear through to his stomach.... That was the hardest thing I have had to dal with... But, like you said, things happen for a reason, so I figure that God had greater plans for my Boo..... I didn't think I could ever love another Doxie either, but I got one as a surprise from my parents, and I love her just the same as my Boo..... EmmyLou will never replace Boo, but, I love her just as much as any of the Doxies I've had.... My heart is breaking for you, I am crying with you, but the time has come to let her go in peace with as much love from you as possible.... This is hard, but it is the undying love that you will carry with you as time passes.... And, with my undying love I did what I thought was right for my Boo, and let him go to the Bridge, knowing that he will be there when I arrive helps me alot.... I can't wait to see my baby boy again, he had such a short life..... It sounds like Heidi Claire had a long, happy, wonderful life full of love with you Robyn, she was a lucky girl.... I pray for your sake (because you'd rather be alone with her, and I understand that) that God will take Heidi Claire peacefully in her sleep... I would love to see Heidi Claire's farewell video, that is really sweet of you.... I wish I'd had one for my Boo.... And, when you are ready, please let us know how things go, this is a wonderful, widespread family.... I don't know where I'd be without this board, or Dodgerslist, I think I would of lost my mind when I lost Boo, because like you nobody understood my love and pain that I felt for him, then I found these two boards, and they helped me through a great deal.... I still feel the pain, I still cry and I still deeply miss MyLittleBoo, I always will, but it was the look in his eyes that night that told me what to do for him..... How could I argue with him???? Just hold Heidi Claire as close as you can and give her all the love she needs, hold her close... You both will know when it is time to say goodbye, and I really think that maybe now, by some miracle, she can hear your comforting words and the soft music.... She knows how much you love her, and that is the one special thing that only the two of you will share, always.... I still feel my Boo around me at times, mainly when I'm down, or really missing him, he comes to comfort me, I can't explain, I just know.... I hope that you can find peace in these hard times..... I will keep praying for you both.... Sending prayers, rays, hugs and lots of love to you and Heidi Claire (that is a beautiful name)..... Please know that we all care.... :pray: :comfort: :heart:
Our thoughts and pryers are with you, but don't let her suffer at the end of a what sounds like a fantastic life. The grief you feel is painful, but you must have loved her to grieve. Most of us on the board have lost a wee one, and it never gets any easier.
Sleep in peace wee one
Roberta
My prayers for you and your furbaby go out to you from me in florida. We just had to put our airdale terrrior to sleep abou a month ago and it was very difficult. But he was also 90% blind and 100% deaf and her organs were shutting down and she started having accidents on the floor. She was 14 years old but i know she had a long and loving life and she needed to be given rest and no pain. Then we had Bandit come in to our life and what a joy he is! He has uplifted our spirits tremendously. We haven't forgotten "Shelby", we have her memories of being a great dog and companion to us. It is our responsibility to take care and let go when the time is there.
krs123
I've tried to reply to your heart rending posts twice and just was unable to find the words through the remembrance of my own heart aches when it came time to let go. Along with the others, I urge you to spare her as much pain as you can, making the final difficult decision may be the ultimate gift you have to offer her. It sounds like she is very close to the end. They know when the end is near and stop eating and drinking. Perhaps it will be like my 17 1/2 year old Thor who just got old and used up and stopped eating and drinking and one evening slept his life away lying next to my chair. Seven years it has been since then and when I think about it my eyes still fill with tears, as they do when I remember the end of each little life I have been privileged to share. I pray for comfort for you and for easy release for Heidi Claire. You have many many friends here who have gone through their own personal trial of grief when this time came as it must to all of us who are blessed with such a relationship as you have with your friend. Come here often for help and comfort and when it is all over maybe you can come someday and tell us of the happy times you have had with her.
...in this moment of pain.
You know that at 19 she's not going to get better. You know that while you are comforted by her presence, she is ready to go. She's not letting go because she knows you need her. That's why she is fighting so hard.
My suggestion is to find a local vet that will allow you to be with her at the end. When we helped Ladybug cross over the vet and his assistant were with us and in tears. I held Lady while the vet adminstered a sedative. When she was asleep, he gave her the final shot and it was over. She was happy and peaceful. We all cried.
We recently lost Cocoa after 16 years. She was my husband's "other woman" and a true part of the family. I share your pain.
Please, for her sake, draw courage from all of us and help her let go.
Our prayers are with you,
Dianne
Losing one of our darling dogs is never easy, and when we have to make "the decision" its worse. I had to put two dogs and one horse to sleep. When they are old, hurting and their quality of life isn't good, its our ultimate gift to them...............to help them go peacefully. Thats what you need to do for your girl. No its not selfish to want it to be just you and her.......just as long as you are there to help her feel safe and secure. Some people can't handle it, and I don't place any blame there because it is one of the hardest things a person will ever have to do. But I know myself, if I wasn't there for my pets, I would feel like I let them down in the end. Think of it this way..........your dog is not doing well, and by helping her pass peacefully you are taking her pain away and putting it on your back. Even knowing that you are going to be hurting badly for some time afterwards, aren't you willing to do that for her? Take care and let us know how it goes, this group is wonderful, especially at times like this.
How are you doing with Heidi Claire??? you can come and talk about her any time at one time or another i think all of us have been their you are not alone you have us.
papbouv
we care.
I'm so very sorry. Most of us have been through this and, unfortunately, will go through it again with our present pups. Please let us know how it goes. We would love to hear your Heidi-Claire stories when you feel up to telling them. We are here for each other because we have very little options when it comes to grieving for our pups. This is a wonderful place for that.
I agree with all the others regarding letting her go. Patty put it very well... think of it as relieving her pain and putting it on yourself. You probably feel like you won't get through it. Someday, as unbelievable as it seems right now, you will remember the fun times and smile. And you will have the relief of knowing she is no longer suffering.
Is there any update on Heidi Claire?? Hugs coming your way :comfort:
I was wondering also. :pray:
This is such a heartbreaking post- :comfort: