My friend's house SMELLS!!! What would you do, if anything???

PattyInAK · October 28, 2008, 03:30:44 PM

I love this friend but I cannot stand to go over to her house. It smells horrible. They rescue a lot of dogs and cats, AND KEEP THEM ALL! They have 5 big dogs in the house and several outside, and about 12 cats inside. The house smells of urine mostly, it actually stings my eyes to be in there. And this friend has her son and daughter-in-law living there, with two kids, no one picks up after themselves, my friend does all the work, they just use and abuse her, but of course, she lets them use her. Would you say anything to her, and if so, what? I would love to go over and visit, but I cannot stand to be in there for even 5 minutes. I invite her over here a lot, just to get her away from that mad-house for a while. How can it be that she doesn't know how bad it smells in there?

Barb · October 28, 2008, 03:46:53 PM

That is a tough one. Gosh, I don't know what I would do. You would think when she leaves and comes back, it would hit her too.....

Does she ever ask you why you don't come over to her house? If she did, I would just say "Do you want me to be honest, even if it might hurt your feelings?" and then tell her. How to get there in a conversation - Geez, I don't know.

Will send good vibes your way that maybe it will work out !!! How have you been feeling?

PattyInAK · October 28, 2008, 04:02:52 PM

Barb, she never asks why I don't come over. Things are so hectic at her house, and she is so busy letting her family suck her dry with free babysitting and picking up after them all. I do most of the initiating, I am the one that makes all the plans for doing stuff together. Whenever I get together with her, its partially to get her away from that house and away from her family. She doesn't really need me to come over and visit, she needs me to drag her out of there. She needs to kick everyone out, and find good homes for all the dogs and cats, then give that house a good cleaning. The carpet is ruined from all the animals, it has to go. I don't think there is a graceful way to tell her that I cannot stand to be inside her house. Its bad enough with all the chaos from all the free-loaders living there and clutter, the smell just makes it unbearable. I am really surprised she doesn't know how bad it is. There is nothing wrong with her sense of smell. When were are out at the craft fairs, she really gets into all the good-smelling stuff like candles. She has good taste in art and all the gifts she's bought me have been real classy. She loves great music and good quality stuff. How she can let her house get like that is beyond me.

Leslie · October 28, 2008, 04:43:32 PM

Give her a chance to save face. "Do you need some help with the household stuff? I can help ya do ..." then name a few things and leave that hang out there. (And I know with your medical history about the only thing you should be doing is helping her sort laundry or maybe wash a pile of dishes--no heavy stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I know, I worked with a gal with hoarding OCD. (She had an abusive free loading son, too and a PILE of animals. Honestly the animals had it better than she did in this case.) She hoarded so badly that when she bought a new house, she REFUSED to sell the old one. Her excuse was it was too messy, she couldn't put it up for sale. FIVE ladies at the lunch table sed: "We don't care, we love you and we'll all come over and help you if it takes all day and we we never say anything to anyone. Wat can we do to help." We made this offer repeatedly.

Bottom line, she lost that house to foreclosure and nearly the new one too. A person has to WANT to change and they have to have the COURAGE to change.

Open the door, but don't be suprised if she doesn't step through it. Then in a while, open it again. After the third time, then it's on her because you will have given her some time to process it and then she will have decided to refuse yer help.

I wrote some other stuff but I will PM you with it.

Good luck
Les

April · October 28, 2008, 04:56:41 PM

Is there another rescue situation or something you could put her in touch with or contact for her? Maybe just getting some of the animals out of the house will help some. You of course know how difficult it is to care properly for pets so is it possible to approach it like you want to help her find homes for the animals? That way she won't have so much to worry about...
As for her freeloading relatives, I'd say if she ever gives the slightest indication she's upset with them or relived to be away from them. Just tell her that she doesn't have to let them stay and do nothing. Everyone lives there so everyone should help keep up the house. I've known people who honestly didn't know they didn't have to take care of everything themselves. It was really taking a toll on them until they finally figured it out. It just took someone outside to show it to them.

PattyInAK · October 28, 2008, 05:57:11 PM

Quote from: Leslie on October 28, 2008, 04:43:32 PM
Give her a chance to save face. "Do you need some help with the household stuff? I can help ya do ..." then name a few things and leave that hang out there. (And I know with your medical history about the only thing you should be doing is helping her sort laundry or maybe wash a pile of dishes--no heavy stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I know, I worked with a gal with hoarding OCD. (She had an abusive free loading son, too and a PILE of animals. Honestly the animals had it better than she did in this case.) She hoarded so badly that when she bought a new house, she REFUSED to sell the old one. Her excuse was it was too messy, she couldn't put it up for sale. FIVE ladies at the lunch table sed: "We don't care, we love you and we'll all come over and help you if it takes all day and we we never say anything to anyone. Wat can we do to help." We made this offer repeatedly.

Bottom line, she lost that house to foreclosure and nearly the new one too. A person has to WANT to change and they have to have the COURAGE to change.

Open the door, but don't be suprised if she doesn't step through it. Then in a while, open it again. After the third time, then it's on her because you will have given her some time to process it and then she will have decided to refuse yer help.

I wrote some other stuff but I will PM you with it.

Good luck
Les

They are renting this house, and it will have to be gutted before it could be sold, or re-rented. The people that owned the house before the present owner had it absolutely pristine. It was so cute, inside and out, and the yard was beautiful too. Now the place looks like a hurricane hit, inside and out, and no one bothered to clean it up. I think my first course of action is to encourage her to get the free-loaders out. Her husband is a mild-mannered guy and doesn't really stand behind her. I don't think she will get rid of the dogs, she is too attached. And you are right, a person has to WANT to change, themselves or their situation. Thanks for the input.

PattyInAK · October 28, 2008, 05:59:55 PM

Quote from: April on October 28, 2008, 04:56:41 PM
Is there another rescue situation or something you could put her in touch with or contact for her? Maybe just getting some of the animals out of the house will help some. You of course know how difficult it is to care properly for pets so is it possible to approach it like you want to help her find homes for the animals? That way she won't have so much to worry about...
As for her freeloading relatives, I'd say if she ever gives the slightest indication she's upset with them or relived to be away from them. Just tell her that she doesn't have to let them stay and do nothing. Everyone lives there so everyone should help keep up the house. I've known people who honestly didn't know they didn't have to take care of everything themselves. It was really taking a toll on them until they finally figured it out. It just took someone outside to show it to them.

I have plenty of chances to give my two cents worth to her, she confides in me a lot about the situation at her home. I try to give good advice. The kids who are living there really should be out on their own, supporting their own families themselves. My friend needs to put her foot down and let them know that they will have to start helping out. I suggested she run away, and let them see what its like without her there to do everything for them.

doxielady5569128 · October 28, 2008, 09:39:48 PM

I have been in this situation before myself so I know how hard it is.

I had a friend who was caring for her mother , her son with disabilities, and a daughter who had some disabilities. This friend was very depressed herself and had trouble getting motivated to do anything. They also had 4 dogs and 6 cats, none of which were put outside to potty. She was so overwhelmed by it all she didn't know what to do. Eventually a neighbor reported her to Child and Family Services because their home was dangerous for anyone to live in, let alone a 14 year old child. They ended up taking away her daughter and having them go to meetings to discuss sending her mother to a nursing (where she truly needs to be) and cleaning up her house.

Ultimately, the ended up cleaning up the old house and moving into a new one. She got her daughter back after a year and was given a state-funded cleaning lady that was teaching her how to properly clean her home. It has been 2 years since she got help and now everything is nearly back to where it was to begin with. She refuses to send her mother to a nursing home, which I can understand, and she fired the cleaning lady. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just love them and be a friend, no matter what their house looks or smells like. Like the others said, it has to be her decision to change otherwise, it will just go back to the same afterwards.

I would do like Leslie suggested gather up some friends to have a house cleaning party for her. You don't have to say anything about the mess at all, just tell her you know she has been stressed out and needs a break from having to do everything herself.

Hope I could be of some help to you.

Doxherding Karen · November 03, 2008, 03:59:44 PM

:thinik: Rather than have friends come in and deal with the mess, which will only embarrass her, why not chip in together and get a cleaning service to come in? If you all can wrangle up, say, $200, then just meet with the cleaning service's crew chief and give them the plain, unvarnished, smelly truth. Tell them the lady is totally overwhelmed, prioritize them (kitchen, bath, her bedrom, then common areas, then deadbeats' room, if there's still time) and have them work until they've done $200 worth of cleaning.

Auntie Karen

doxielady5569128 · November 03, 2008, 09:13:26 PM

Quote from: Doxherding Karen on November 03, 2008, 03:59:44 PM

:thinik: Rather than have friends come in and deal with the mess, which will only embarrass her, why not chip in together and get a cleaning service to come in? If you all can wrangle up, say, $200, then just meet with the cleaning service's crew chief and give them the plain, unvarnished, smelly truth. Tell them the lady is totally overwhelmed, prioritize them (kitchen, bath, her bedrom, then common areas, then deadbeats' room, if there's still time) and have them work until they've done $200 worth of cleaning.

Auntie Karen

Great idea Karen!! That's along the lines of what I was thinking, but I like the cleaning service thing better.

papbouv · November 03, 2008, 09:56:44 PM

Had a now x friend she let her dogs pee & poop in the house smelled really,really bad I was her pet sitter when she went to dog shows. I about killed myself cleaning up she would always say how nice everything was ?Then next time I went over it was always back the same as I had never touched it. Never did get the smell out of course she bought all kinds of sprays and such for the house? She was use to the smell so it never bothered her??? She had Ashma & Lupus so wondered living like she did was part of the problem. I said something about the way she groomed her dogs or the lack of grooming on one dog she got super mad and never talked to me again so guess she was not much of a friend after all. She would pay me $10.00 to care for about 6-8 dogs on a weekend so guess I was the dumb one.They have to want to change or it will never work they had a show on one of the talk shows about it OCD problem.Will not change unless they get professional help,which they usually will not do .
Papbouv

PattyInAK · November 04, 2008, 10:36:43 PM

I appreciate all the replies. I don't think she will change or agree to friends or a cleaning service coming in. I talked to her daughter about this, and the daughter totally agrees with me. My friend has a mental block thing going on about these dogs, she can't see how they have taken over her life and her home. You can't save the whole world, and that is what she is trying to do. If good intentions COULD save the world, my friend would have done it by now. But there comes a time when enough is enough. Gosh, I feel like Willy and Alex are pampered royalty compared to the way her dogs live.